I was truly blessed to be able to blend into my family while my stepson was very young. He really does not remember a time where Caity wasn't with Daddy, and can only recall stories that he's been told about anytime before. I was there for every stage in his young life with the exception of infancy. I changed diapers, was honored to be apart of some of his "firsts", and made many memories along the way. We bonded instantly, and still have an unreal connection. I love him as if he were my own.
That is why being a step-mother is so hard.
You pour your heart, soul, sweat and tears into a child and your entire being is consumed with an undeniable love. You participate in sports, school, and home activities and often go above and beyond because (maybe) you just don't know any other way. But then, and at least in my case, you have to step back and realize that after all that -- they aren't your biological child. They still have a mother, and it's not you. The child that you love so much has biological parents who make the decisions.
You can't always protect the little hands you cherish. You don't get to chose the best school possible for them. You don't get to chose how the other mother loves them. Often times, where you live, your finances, your vacations, your schedule --- pretty much your whole life is dependent on another woman who you may or may not get along with.
You think you understand your role, but often times a situation comes along that can really mess with your head. Emotions like that can take a toll on you, as it has for me. You keep your head up, re-group, and remember that you can only control what happens at your home and you make damn sure that you make that the best that you can. ...but I know that's hard, so I'll leave you with the serenity prayer:
"God, give me the courage to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
hint:: the wisdom is the most difficult part.
-C
You read my mind. I just had a "situation" where I had to remind myself…”you are not her biological mother, she is not yours. I love her like I can only imagine I would love my own flesh and blood. But though I partner with her dad to raise her during our parenting time, she still has a mother, and final say is not mine.” It is a tough pill to swallow and the recent situation brought it all back. I have only been in my step daughter’s life for a year and like you she doesn’t and won’t remember a time before me. She is 5 and will be starting Kindergarten in 8 days...CRAZY. Sometimes I feel like I have to protect myself, I say don’t love so hard because in the end I will be the one who will be hurt… but then I look at her and see the way she loves me an realize that is not an option. Loving her is what I was made to do. So I continue to love her with abandon, this little girl that I didn’t help make, but I will help make into a strong woman. This little girl who loves so freely but one day may choose to withdraw her love from me (a chance I will take). This little girl who doesn’t have my eyes or facial features but she steals a piece of me every time I see her. Thanks again for your blog, thanks for reminding me the struggle is real and thanks for letting me know I am not alone.
ReplyDeleteJerri -- there is definitely strength in numbers and it gets a little easier when you talk about it and put things into perspective. Everything we do, we do for them. In the end we just pray that one day they realize how much we love them. In the meantime, I try to find peace by being everything my step kiddo needs me to be, and making sure he has a safe, loving home. I'm so glad you reached out, because your definitely not alone! Send me a message or email me if you ever need to talk/vent!
DeleteYes yes yes. I too came into my step kids lives when they were very young and they don't really remember a time without me. I thought having two kids of our own would make me care less, make me not want to be involved with my step kids as much. Because then that would lessen the pain, right? Make it less difficult. Turns out I was wrong. I could never care less, because they feel like my kids too. It's hardest with my stepdaughter. Not being able to decide what dance school to put her in. Not getting her ready for her first communion. Man, it's hard! So glad you wrote this post. And sorry for the novel! ❤
ReplyDeleteI just had this feeling also! I so cannot just not be an active parent, everything I do, I do for my step kids, I cannot just disengage or stop being the parent to them that I plan on being to my biological children. And my step kids even ask me to participate in these ways, so there will be no denying them. It just really sucks when being the best step mom I can be pisses other people off. I really need to get over that and just let people get pissed off. Harder to do than say for this peacemaker :)
ReplyDeleteThank you for your blog, it's so nice to hear of other step moms with these struggles and overcoming them for the wonderful kiddos /)